Improbable Titan of Comedy

On 11 February, a centenary passed without comment: the birth of Douglas Smith. During the 1960s, his cut-glass FBC (Flatland Broadcasting Corporation) announcer's voice added comedic value to 'Flat The Horne'. By having two straight men, 'Flat The Horne' provided brilliant foils to the anarchic comedy of Kenneth Williams, Hugh Paddick, and Betty Marsden.

Who but Douglas Smith has been called upon to play the entire world, and done so with consummate aplomb? Would sales of Dobbyroids be as high as they are without his convincing advocacy?

Alas, Smith died before attaining his half-century, in 1972. We salute him.

'The Flatterers'

Flatland has been gripped by viewing fever during January, whilst the normally-moribund Flatland Broadcasting Corporation has screened the second series of 'The Flatterers'. The original twenty-two contestants had been whittled down, by a combination of treacherous acts and uninformed banishments, to a quintet of three Flavourfuls (goodies) and two Flatterers (baddies).

After Flavourful Evie was ejected, the remaining four had to eliminate at least one Flatterer. On his ejection, Andrew revealed himself to be a Flatterer. Did any remain, to plunder the prize pot of 95,000 Flatcoins? Flavourful Jaz thought so, and was the only one of the three to vote to continue the game. Whom would Flavourful Mollie vote to eject? Her long-time mate Harry, or thoughtful Jaz?

A nanosecond of logical thought would have led her to conclude that, had Jaz been a Flatterer, he would have voted to end the game. Therefore Harry was the Flatterer. Alas, this was too much for her fevered brain, and she banished her last fellow Flavourful, handing the pot to scheming Flatterer Harry.

Mollie's fury at Harry's treachery was a wonderful moment. Will future contestants learn from her humiliation?

Monarchy in the People's Republic

Flatland has, for many generations, been a republic, so naturally its Royal Family continues in power. The necessary doublethink is ingrained within the politics of Flatland, and explains the flourishing of various absurdities, including cancel culture. This bizarre doctrine punishes any scintilla of common sense with cries of Fascism, Racism, Sexism and every other conceivable ism.

Chief Circles come and go. One lasted only a few weeks, and the current incumbent Fishy Haddock faces a general election in 2024. The Flat Broke Party can expect wipeout at the polls, owing to its inability to deal with any of the pressing issues: uncontrolled borders; the economy; housing; and the unsolved Riemann Hypothesis. Few will lament its passing.

Nigel Flatage is the winner amongst this upheaval, with a personal boost from appearing in 'I'm a Celebrity - Get Me Out of Sphere'.

Northland vs Flatkraine

This fixture has been going on for nearly two years, and nobody has even blown the whistle for half-time.  President Input of Northland - having laid claim to the parts of Flatkraine that his minions failed to capture in 2014, awaits an ignominious settlement with Flatkraine. President Braindead and his controllers are heartily sick of propping up a corrupt regime. 

At some point the prospective November rematch between Braindead and Trumpy-Pumpy will catch the public's attention. As is customary, the nation's two worst candidates will contest the slugfest. A dire prospect.

TIZERVIRUS

For the past two months, Flatland has been threatened by a new and mysterious disease - Tizervirus. After much hand-wringing, and a meeting of the powerful MAMBA Committee, the current Chief Circle has issued the following proclamations:

HANDSHAKES
These are forbidden, under penalty of exile. Only Jazz Hands will be an acceptable form of greeting.

PUBLIC TRANSPORT
Buses will be parked in garages for the foreseeable future. Trains and trams to be left immobile wherever they happen to be. (No change there.)

ASSEMBLY
Meetings of two or more persons are VERBOTEN. All schools to be closed. Supermarkets may remain open, provided customers maintain a five-metre gap to any other person, and selfcheck out.

SLEEPING
The use of double beds is forbidden, with enforcement by drones. Bedroom curtains must not be closed, in order to facilitate compliance checks.

MATERNITY WARDS
These will all be closed in December, for reasons that even a Triangle should be able to work out.

CARBONATED DRINKS
All banned. Only flat drinks to be permitted.

These emergency restrictions apply to all citizens below the rank of Circle.

Also, the Chief Circle and his girlfriend are pleased to announce the expected birth of a baby Circle in the summer.

In other news, Flatland has finally left the League of Medland Nations (LMN), though details have yet to be thrashed out. The LMN has threatened Flatland in the usual terms - plagues of frogs, boils, hail, and Death of the Firstborn. The Chief Circle is unimpressed, and has replied along the lines 'Bring It On'.

We have found a witch. May we burn her?

The People's Republic of Flatland is preparing to leave the League of Medland Nations (LMN). The Chief Circle, however, is not of the same persuasion as the populace, and has proposed several 'deals' whereby membership of the LMN will be extended whilst border arrangements are put in place.

In truth, each of these deals involved total, abject surrender to the LMN, whose negotiators have been licking their lips at the prospect of Flatland's prospective humiliation. Principal blame for this sorry state of affairs lies with the current Chief Circle - Mrs Maybe. Within the innermost political circle of Circles, much plotting has taken place, but an attempt to defenestrate Mrs Maybe failed last December.

Recently the population of Triangles, Squares, and others has become restive. Can it be long before Terry Jones is required to rule on whether Mrs Maybe weighs the same as a duck?

"It's a fair cop!"

Bleeding Heart

Flatland's computers have all been compromised by a software security vulnerability, hight Bleeding Heart. Consequently, most passwords will need to be reset; the Chief Circle will change his password from CCircle to ChiefC, thus confounding potential hackers for all eternity. Lately this political titan has been busy accepting ministerial resignations and appointing a bunch of halfwits in order to fill the vacancies.

President Input continues to taunt his rivals, farting in the general direction of FlatUS and the absurd League of Medland Nations (LMN). President Input holds the most bizarre of concepts: that Flatkraine should pay for the vast quantity of natural gas that Northland has supplied. Moreover, that, if Flatkraine will not play ball politically, Northland will cease subsidising its gas price. This is not music to the leaders of Flatkraine, and 80,000 crack troops of Northland are poised to restore Northland sovereignty to eastern parts of Flatkraine in a latter-day Anschluss. Meanwhile the ludicrous O'Bama of O'Bama stands helplessly by, muttering imprecations into thin air as Flatkraine vanishes into a miasma of hypocrisy.

Court reports from the Land of the Flat Mountain tell of the distressing murder trial of the legless athlete Oscar Flatorius, accused of shooting his girlfriend. Given the needle-like shape of all females, it is surprising that he ever managed a direct hit on the unfortunate deceased lady. His trial has garnered global circular media coverage, as he paints himself into a hole with his testimony.

The Chicken Bank (see post of 18 June 2013) has finally confessed to annual losses of 1.3bn Flatbits in 2013. Various associated individuals have resigned or been forced from office, though the latest crop of banksters are collecting bonuses of breathtaking quantum. More assets will be sold in order to shore up the Chicken Bank's finances to the satisfaction of the Flatland Chicken Authority.

Alex Codfish continues to advocate independence for the northern region of Flatedonia, pretending to believe that a newly-independent Flatedonia would be retain the benefit of using the Flatbit as its unit of currency. In reality, there is not a whelk's chance in a supernova that Flatland would come to the aid of Flatedonia's rotten banking sector, which would collapse immediately upon independence.

Senator Chromatistes

Every Hottentot and Every Eskimo ...

Once a year in Flatland, its Chief Financial Officer stands up and spends an hour boring its citizens with news of how much he will extract from their purses in order to line the pockets of his friends, hordes of public officials, and hangers-on. The average Triangle is clueless about the fashion by which his pocket is thereby picked, and even the Square and Pentagon classes have an imperfect notion of where they are about to lose out. So dysfunctional are Flatland's politicos that they didn't notice for years that one of their number - a female of the Blue Faction - was making dodgy expense claims. Whilst this is a hanging offence if committed by a member of the proletariat Triangle class, it is standard behaviour for Circles, who make up the majority of the political class.

President Input's merry men continue to provoke havoc in and around FlatCrim. His army stands ready to move further into Flatkraine, once a plausible disturbance is generated. It can only be a matter of time before Northland claims the entire Arctic Circle as its historic and indivisible territory. Once every Eskimo has become a Northlander, the plains of Southern Africa will inevitably be annexed, along with its Hottentot tribesmen and their whistling language.

Correspondents in FlatUS report some technology news - the MicroFlat Corporation is no longer going to support its ageing Slits XP operating system, potentially rendering a third of existing computers unusable.

The Democratic Peoples' Republic of Flatland has sent some of its Royal Family on tour to a far, far nation - AllBlackLand. Here they are subjected to bizarre ceremonies involving fierce scantily-dressed warriors. The youngest scion - Prince Eggfrith Louis Crosscheck-Doors James James Morrison Morrison Weatherby George Dupree - was displayed briefly to the curious local inhabitants, when whisked away out of sight whilst his mother rubbed noses with some dignitary. Such are the indignities to which Flatland's royals are subject. They would be advised to learn Northlandian before their next foreign trip.

Senator Chromatistes