LIMERICK

A limerick's written in verse
on topics for better or worse
huit, huit, cinq, cinq, huit
is its rhythmic beat
with prosody pithy and terse.

PERPETUUM MOBILE

Cast a look at the Yummy Mummy pushing her firstborn along your local High Street. Observe that, as with her right hand YM propels her offspring, her left hand holds a mobile close by her ear; clearly these actions are inextricably linked. Presumably each YM must be deriving significant energy from the aether so as to replace that expended via her sprog's conveyance. Some electrical pathway as yet unknown to medical science then transmits this to nodes in her limbs, compensating for the work expended in child transport.

This internal mechanism appears to be specific to the fairer sex; males never exhibit this behaviour. "What, never?? Well - hardly ever!!"

Why not harness this mysterious and bountiful energy source? Vast farms of Yummy Mummies, connected in series to the National Grid could replace Britain's ageing Pressurised Water Reactors. Placement might be a little tricky, as too many YMs in the centre of, (say) Cheltenham or Eastbourne might pose a hazard to elderly people in wheelchairs. But a few sensitive trials might find optimal locations, possibly near the top of a 1,000m Welsh mountain. Or perhaps offshore on abandoned Napoleonic forts. The opportunities are limited only by imagination.

Chromatistes invites his readers to suggest other promising locations.

Chromatistes assures his numerous devoted followers of his continued existence and robust health. Since last posting he has acquired sundry additional relatives through birth and marriage.

Having unexpectedly rediscovered login details he hopes to manage the occasional posting, and awaits inspiration.

CHROMATISTES IN FLATLINE

Chromatistes apologises to his mass of regular readers for the hiatus in publication; he has been dead. However, he now hopes to resume a skeleton service.

During a recent visit to the Princess Royal Hospital in Haywards Heath his heart stopped - twice. The lack of cardiac activity is confirmed by ECG flatlines. Lady Chromatistes, however, is firmly of the opinion that the flatlines relate to cranial (in)activity.

Chromatistes will personally boil in molten sulphur any New Labour acolyte who proposes any downgrading of the PRH.

POTENTIAL RISKS ARE RISKS - NO MORE, NO LESS

Risk must be the least-understood concept in what passes for Modern Society. The mindless pursuit of risk-aversion has crippled many worthwhile and beneficial activities. GET REAL!!! From the moment of conception, your risk of death is 100%.

How many times have you heard the phrase 'potential risk' (or something synonymous)? Think about it. If a risk (eg being eaten by piranhas whilst floating in the Amazon) occurs with probability r, and the likelihood of its being activated (eg the branch of an Amazonside tree you were sitting on breaking) is p, then if you sit on such a branch, you bear the risk pq of Death By Piranhas.

In most practical cases, the combined probability pq is a very small number - too remote to get worked up about. This does not stop many demagogues becoming worked up about remote combined probabilities, leading to bad decisions (often paid for with public money).

If the rabble-rousing idiots who bandy probabilities were asked the two questions: Is the combined risk sufficiently large to worry about? and What is the expected loss arising from this combined risk? the English language would become more precise, and we might all save a lot of money.

(NOTE TO SELF) Find out the name of the imbecile Deputy Prime Minister who proposed building hundreds of thousands of new houses on the Thames flood plain. Then cut his nadgers off.

Pigeons in the Park

Fifty years ago, the incomparable Thomas Andrew Lehrer composed Poisoning Pigeons in the Park. In 2006, an enterprising London-based pelican has taken its own radical approach to the age-old problem of eradication of Columba Palumbus.

Which is more appropriate? On balance, I prefer the latter, though with the express proviso that another party is involved. Pigeon pie is not, nor has ever been, one of Lady Chromatistes' many culinary delicacies. There is an environmental argument in favour of eating the blighters: cyanide*-coated peanuts lying around in public-places might well have an unintended consequence.

What Would Jesus Do? Bad news for pigeon-fanciers:

It's not against any religion,

to want to dispose of - a pigeon.

* TAL's rhyming of cyan(h)ide with try and hide must be one of the best-anticipated in popular culture.

YOU MUST ALWAYS PACK THE CUSTOMERS SHOPPING
(Instruction to cashiers at the Bromley Waitrose express till.)

Er... did they really mean that? Do Waitrose possess an adequate supply of bags of the requisite size? How might their posh clientele react to being manhandled into a green-and-white plastic bag, or, for that matter, one of any another hue?

As mitigation, at least Waitrose get the sign SIX ITEMS OR FEWER grammatically correct, unlike most of the other supermarket chains.

So: 'You pays your money and you takes your choice.' In the case of Waitrose, usually somewhat more than the competition are charging.