Friday, April 11, 2014

Bleeding Heart

Flatland's computers have all been compromised by a software security vulnerability, hight Bleeding Heart. Consequently, most passwords will need to be reset; the Chief Circle will change his password from CCircle to ChiefC, thus confounding potential hackers for all eternity. Lately this political titan has been busy accepting ministerial resignations and appointing a bunch of halfwits in order to fill the vacancies.

President Input continues to taunt his rivals, farting in the general direction of FlatUS and the absurd League of Medland Nations (LMN). President Input holds the most bizarre of concepts: that Flatkraine should pay for the vast quantity of natural gas that Northland has supplied. Moreover, that, if Flatkraine will not play ball politically, Northland will cease subsidising its gas price. This is not music to the leaders of Flatkraine, and 80,000 crack troops of Northland are poised to restore Northland sovereignty to eastern parts of Flatkraine in a latter-day Anschluss. Meanwhile the ludicrous O'Bama of O'Bama stands helplessly by, muttering imprecations into thin air as Flatkraine vanishes into a miasma of hypocrisy.

Court reports from the Land of the Flat Mountain tell of the distressing murder trial of the legless athlete Oscar Flatorius, accused of shooting his girlfriend. Given the needle-like shape of all females, it is surprising that he ever managed a direct hit on the unfortunate deceased lady. His trial has garnered global circular media coverage, as he paints himself into a hole with his testimony.

The Chicken Bank (see post of 18 June 2013) has finally confessed to annual losses of 1.3bn Flatbits in 2013. Various associated individuals have resigned or been forced from office, though the latest crop of banksters are collecting bonuses of breathtaking quantum. More assets will be sold in order to shore up the Chicken Bank's finances to the satisfaction of the Flatland Chicken Authority.

Alex Codfish continues to advocate independence for the northern region of Flatedonia, pretending to believe that a newly-independent Flatedonia would be retain the benefit of using the Flatbit as its unit of currency. In reality, there is not a whelk's chance in a supernova that Flatland would come to the aid of Flatedonia's rotten banking sector, which would collapse immediately upon independence.

Senator Chromatistes

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