Saturday, October 05, 2013


The once-mighty nation of Eagleland, also known as FlatUS, has joined the lengthening roster of lands that have run out of money. Its president has been forced to send home almost all* its government workers, blaming his political opponents for the debacle. As usual, he is talking a load of hot air out of his backside, as befits the President of Flatus. *An exception to this policy of stringency is made in respect of the personal entourage of the President's pneumatic wife, which exceeds in number the entire governmental administration of Eagleland's first president. Such is the nature of governmental sprawl over a two century period. The underlying reason for this crisis is the highly-contentious introduction of FlatusCare, whereby every medical basket case is allowed to take out health insurance at a flat(!) premium rate, as if he or she were the fittest citizen alive. Even the dumbest actuary sees the flaw in this piece of political posturing, so premium rates have rocketed, whilst the healthy citizens of Eagleland, who are paying for this electoral boondoggle, are furious with the Flatocrat Party for driving this divisive policy into law. Here in Flatland, the Chief Circle has decided to sell off FlatMail to the unsuspecting public. FlatMail was formerly an iconic public service that over time became a liability, until Flatland's Chancellor swiped its pension scheme's assets, declaring that FlatMail's pensioners would instead be funded by the unborn. A neat political piece of legerdemain, equivalent to a game of Three Card Monte. Until a way is found to facilitate postal voting in utero, this scheme appears totally watertight. The League of Medland Nations (LMN) continues to stagger from crisis to crisis. Things have been a little quiet of late, whilst the LMN's most-powerful constituent nation forms a new coalition government. Once the parlaying of power is over, attention will rapidly return to The Usual Suspects of financially incontinent countries. The concept of people paying their own way through life is deeply alien to a large proportion of countries, so ways have been devised to distract their populaces from realising how precariously placed the financial system is. Within Flatland a highly-popular seasonal distraction involves getting C-listed 'celebrities' to cavort on dance floors, involving extravagant displays of cleavage and other feminine flesh. Predictably, this garners a strong following amongst males of the Triangle and even Square classes, whilst their respective womenfolk dream idly of wearing the outrageous frilly confections that serve as contestants' dresses. This programme, alongside similar elimination contests, proceeds with excruciating slowness towards a pre-Christmas orgasm of finals. It will be interesting to observe how the number of LMN banks is also winnowed, as one-by-one they fail to satisfy the arcane capital requirements of the LMN regulators.

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